Casual dating has become the norm. Situationships, Friends-with-benefits, vague boundaries… all housed under the term “casual dating”… but is it really casual?
I’ve entered back into the dating world after a sabbatical to get my life in order (if one can ever really do that). I returned to find many men that are not looking for anything, but expecting much. If you aren’t trying to exclusively date me, don’t try to be physical with me. At all. Twice in the past couple of weeks, I’ve had to say to two different men, “Don’t kiss me, sir.” No really, do not kiss me.
Situation one. Second date. We met up for dinner. He stands up to greet me with an overly aggressive hug and goes in for the kiss. Umm.. no thanks.
Situation two was even better. I’ve known this one for few months. We’d hung out a few times. He invited me over, and I accepted the invitation. I should have known when he had the R&B, smooth jazz music going. But anyway, as we were sitting and talking, he proceeds to take a shot of something and ends up choking. I mean choking like he is about to die. I was scared to death. After he recovered, we continued chatting and listening to music. Then he had the audacity to ask for a kiss. Not sure if it was the shot or unmitigated gall, but I was completed disgusted. I didn’t want to kiss you before, and I definitely don’t want to after you just coughed up a lung, phlegm, and everything else in your digestive system. Pass.
Both situations got me thinking… THIS is how casual dating ends up in casualty. A kiss leads to touching, which leads to everything else under the sun. It becomes casual in name only. Feelings are involved on one end or the other. As women, we begin to feel the need to invest more and more in the hopes that he will see that we really are “the one” and settle down with us. All the while, he sees no reason to commit, because he’s getting his fill of whatever he wants.
Now I know there are women who are uber liberated and don’t care who they give themselves to. This is not for that woman. This is for the women who truly want a man that loves, respects and cherishes them:
If it’s casual, keep it casual. Stop feeling obligated to become more physical because he took you on a couple of dates. You’re not going to win in the end. Trust me. Been there, done that.
Don’t invest all of your time into someone who is not investing their all into you. We have a tendency to do this. We’re not physically attached, but we are emotionally connected. We sit back and await his call. We stay up to see him when we are really tired; all while he is seeing us in between dates. Stop prioritizing a person who is not prioritizing you.
Be clear on what you want. Don’t say you are OK with casual dating if you know you aren’t. If you are looking for a husband, no ifs and or buts, don’t spend your time with someone who says they don’t plan to get married. You are only setting yourself up for failure.
Be direct. I’m a nice person. Generally easy going, but I am very direct. If I want to know something, I am going to ask. “Are you dating other people?” “What were you doing last night?” “Where is this going?” I’ve found that men are typically pretty honest. I’ve had men tell me that they slept with someone the previous night, that they weren’t interested in anything other than a friends with benefits situation, and that they are dating several other people. You have not because you have not asked. I see a lot of women that feel tricked, but they weren’t tricked, they just didn’t ask those pertinent questions. Questioning only scares off a man who doesn’t plan to be honest.
This new generation can be tough, but don’t be afraid to say, “Don’t kiss me, sir.”
What are some of your fun, funny or crazy dating stories? I’d love to hear them. Comment below.